It’s no secret that the GOP has been against sex education in schools. It was golden boy George Bush who threw his support behind the Abstinence Only movement, effectively removing a tremendous amount of information about safe sex practices from schools everywhere.  With the prevalence of laws such as that in Mississippi where teachers are forbidden to demonstrate proper condom use to the Texas tendency to equate non-virgins with dirty chocolate it seemed like Republicans were unlikely to change their stance on the subject.

This is precisely why it has come as a huge shock to the American people that at this year’s GOP primary conference in San Antonio the party revealed a new platform on the subject.

In a turn one would expect from a satire article or comedy central parody skit it was revealed that a large number of GOP representatives were present at an intensive four day sex education course.  Their presence was originally intended to find fault with the course material as justification for removing it from the curriculum. They also hoped undermining it would allow them to continue passing oppressive laws meant to regulate bedroom activities everywhere. What actually happened was a real titty twist.

Since most GOP members are conservative Christians it turned out that they had never been presented with this information. Most were taken by complete surprise about the workings of their own bodies. They were shocked, disgusted, terrified and mystified by so much of what they learned. All at once the crushing weight of the knowledge that sex education may be the biggest deterrent to having sex hit them.

Exit interviews reported members stating “Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Why aren’t we teaching more of this? I never want to have unprotected sex again, even if it’s in an airport bathroom.”  and “I need to get all my kids on birth control asap! Even the illegitimate ones!”  as well as “if I knew the risks were so high I’d have stopped banging back alley prostitutes ages ago and gone with a diet of nothing but congressional pages!” Some of the female representatives were even reported to have wished they learned more of this sooner with one stating “why if only I’d known, I was forced into an engagement with Jesus before I was even old enough to consent! And I finally figured out that burning sensation isn’t punishment for my sins as much as punishment for my husband’s rampant infidelity.”

With such a universal reaction, the vote to change the platform came with little resistance, the lone voice of dissent being Representative Joney Ernest who wore a bread bag over her head whenever any corrupting forces were being mentioned and effectively missed much of the information.  Predictably progressives everywhere are letting out a collective “told you so” and scrambling to re-institute the policies they once effectively used to reduce teen pregnancy rates, abortions and spread of STD’s before conservatives took over.