In a startling move this morning Pope Francis, the Vatican’s new and unorthodox leader, announced that there was going to be a large addition into the Hall of Saints.
“Sainthood is about the giving of oneself; about putting aside one’s own needs to advance the cause of another. To become a Saint one must perform an act of ultimate self-sacrifice and I can think of no population at this time sacrificing more to advance the welfare of others than middle and lower class Tea Party Republicans. They regularly give up all rights to their own wellbeing so that the one percent can remain comfortable and continue to rise in wealth. That kind of altruism cannot be overlooked.”
Needless to say many Catholics were shocked, particularly white middle class Democrats who objected by citing the damaging policies that come from Republicans. Some even asked the Pope how he could canonize people who would literally stop feeding the hungry or helping the needy if given full control. They also cited healthcare stating that surely those who actually cheered aloud that they would let an uninsured coma patient die for not being able to pay his hospital bill could not be canonized as those ideas fly directly in the face of Jesus’ teachings.
The Pope simply dismissed the objections stating that God never gives one more burdens than they can bear and asking Tea Party Republicans to do one unselfish act is already pushing them to the limits. Later he further added “helping the sick would be too high a bar to set for people who won’t even help refugee children, we cannot judge people on perfection because we are simply human and we need to judge people on what they are individually capable of”.
Naturally the republicans being canonized groaned at the statement, immediately launching into anecdotal accounts of how giving everyone a trophy no matter what they are capable of ruins America. Fortunately the Pope was able to get the crowd under control right about the time they were murmuring about “those lazy good for nothing millennials”. Francis politely refrained from reminding them they raised those millennials since the bible says to respect your elders but is pretty much silent on treating your children with any kind of respect.
The day ended with everyone positive that this new pope is a wild and crazy guy even if he did lose some support of left leaning Christians. Republicans however begrudgingly offered some new found validation stating “it’s about time this liberal pope pandered to us, we still miss the hard-ass though, it’s a lot easier to love a pope that hates the gays and atheists.”